Tug & Pull

A heart can only handle so much tug and pull,
But we all love to have that attention from whoever comes through to you,
So We look for it,
We feen for it,
We search from person to person,
To find that connection,
We want that attention,
That specific affection,
No matter what situations we put ourselves in,
Go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen,
But you should know,
At the end of the day,
Your left with yourself,
This fact is always left a secret,
A secret from ourselves,
Or better yet,
A denial to ourselves,
so all we hear is,
“Yeah girl i’ll be with you forever”
or
“Yeah boy i’ll be with you forever”
And you cherish this promise they hold over you,
Like there is no end to it,
A promise is solid & definite.
Right?
But what if all that trust you put in with them just changes,
And they drop you like not a fuck was lost,
What if the love of your life doesn’t see you as the love of THEIR life,
What happens then?
Yeah you can talk to as many people as you want,
Trying to fill the void,
But speak truthfully,
It only takes a moment for it to empty again,
And your hopelessly,
Hopelessly in love with the idea that THIS person might be it
Even with your logic screaming don’t do it.
And it’s you controlling the reins to your heart
Tugging left
Pulling right
But who are you to let everyone beat it up like its in a fight
A fight to find Mister or Misses right
Just stop going for whatever is there
Don’t settle for another tug
Don’t break for another pull
Because a heart can only handle so much tug and pull
And you know the only one who suffer’s is you and only you.

Labels

Just to clarify something.

I do NOT need to be made or defined into one of your labels.

Made or defined into what you think I should be, am scared to be or what I’m pretending to be.

Frankly, you don’t have any idea how I see a PERSON in my eyes

How I view

How I feel

When I see something or anything.

So no.

You can’t LABEL me as a fake or as needing me to BE something just because of your insecurities.

From the beginning i never really wanted to label myself, but family and friends we’re confused so I had to give them the best answer I could at the time.

“Family and friends, I am bisexual”

But see, because so many people (mostly girls) have turned “bisexuality” into a one night thing or several drunken nights kissing random girls or your best friend or maybe even farther than that, no one really takes being bisexual seriously anymore. They say it’s just a phase or your just experimenting or you just looking for attention.

Judgements.

That’s all the world knows what to do when they see something different and it’s actually pretty sad. But i cannot hate everyone for doing it because it was how we were taught to think as children. What a surprise, society in America isn’t such a great place to grow up after all even if it’s “getting better”. Sure. We’re still born into such small-minded creatures, so ignorant of “the big picture” There’s more worries in the world about people wanting same-sex marriage and inter-racial couples (yes this is still a big problem) than actual problems, like say world hunger or how about something that hits more to home like children in our country, yes America, they are homeless and hungry.

But sadly, the biggest news since this new year has been this:

No Barack Obama isn’t gay. Unfortunately, him supporting gay marriage (which is amazing in my opinion) was the biggest talk of every news station, news paper, and comedy gag since the new year has started. Some say he “came out” until now on his stand in same-sex marriage to get more votes from the youth (I mean why not, it’s a great strategy). But think about it, even if it was for the votes, there is so much that comes with this responsibility to be the first president to support it.

I once saw this magazine cover as foul, ignorant and such a shot at the president, calling him gay just because he supports it. But as a human, I too made a mistake and made judgements. The article pertaining to the cover actually praised the president for finally making a stand and becoming one of the few powerful voices that the LBGT community actually have. The rainbow halo representing an angel to this community. Poetic.

But anyways,

Back to my rant,

The reason why i bring this up is because my mind has not been able to fathom why people think like this. I’m going to focus more on this labeling issue, because in my previous relationship, I felt like the core issue led to this in every single argument. Basically she hated men to the core, and me having previous relationships with men, she was so set on me leaving her for a man and that it was the worst thing I could ever do to her. Turn off and a half. I did not lie about my attraction to guys and I never really did lie to be honest. It was how I felt in the moment and in the moment I always said

“I’ve always been attracted to girls since i was little, I was just to scared to act on it. I’ve tried with guys and I can never get that emotional attachment to them, so don’t be intimidated when I say I’m attracted to men.”

All of this was true. I did try dating many times with guys and even relationships, either the guy was totally wrong or perfect but I wasn’t ready.The only thing that has changed since then is this feeling of restriction. Why is it one or the other? Why does it always have to be heterosexual or homosexual. The one thing i praise about myself is to have grown to have such an open mind. I have learned to use my observational personality to always observe and analyze people and situations. Always a listener. Upon this, I try to learn about a person through and through, and only until then I can set my opinion about them in my head. If I don’t have the time to fully meet them, then I have nothing to say about them. Simple as that, I despise gossip.

So her judgements on me even after our relationship ended, really did tick me off. Not because I still want her or anything of the sort, but because SO many people have this ideology.

Labels. Labels keep our world in order. Labels of sexuality, brand, race, nationality; Just to keep the world going round in an organized fashion. But just like in fashion, there are the Gucci, Louis and Prada’s and the Payless, Tello’s and Walmart’s. Just like in race, in America, the whites are the “majority” and what are the rest called? oh yeah “the minority”. So I know where I stand in the pedestal of sexuality.

I’m not gay

I’m not lesbian

I’m not straight

I’m not bisexual

I’m not transsexual

Just let your small minds think past all of that and just accept the reality. You don’t need to label me. So simple. But I know this is asking too much and people of this generation always want answers and quick! I am one of those people. When I can’t think of an answer or reason I “Google it”. We’re all guilty of doing it but in this little aspect, I hope people slightly open their eyes that it is not needed. So like I said, I hate labels, but I know I can’t avoid them. So as I went though this relationship, I really wanted to find a better answer for her other than bisexual because it is such an over used label and has a bad reputation for just being into girls for a night.

So I “Google’d it” lol and I found something pretty promising:

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Thus, pansexuality includes potential attraction to people who do not fit into the gender binary of male/female. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[2]

The word pansexual is derived from the Greek prefix pan-, meaning “all”. In its simplest form, pansexuality denotes the potential of sexual attraction to all genders. It is intended to negate the idea of two genders (as expressed by bi-).

What I love about this ‘label” is that it doesn’t restrict my attraction to one or the other or has a bad rep. It’s real and is exactly how I feel. I am gender-blind. The way I am is I fall in love or lust with their personality.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

and in my eye,

I don’t see any boundaries.

So I guess if I have to live in this world of labels, this is the only one I can withstand.

Our Bond

My best friends❤
Through thick and thin
Time goes by
Friends come and go
Moments shine and blow
Positives & negatives
My life picture is fully blown
I look past the noise
The blurriness
The clutter
The lies
broken promise
and the fakes
And I know you guys will be there at the end of this
it’s fate
Something you can never lose
A bond unlike any you can choose
untouchable
unbreakable
Something I can’t even comprehend
Sincere love
Never jealous
No judgements
Just comfort
moments will pass
New friends will be made
But we’re magnetized to each other
Sooner or later
Time will bring us together
It always does
It never fails
We always end up in each others arms
We lean on each other
To get through all the bothers
Bring smiles to one another
As well as knowledge like a big brother
And I will cherish the moments we have together
because this friendship is unlike any other
Like I said, our bond is unbreakable
And no matter how long the days pass that we do not speak
We jump into each others lives without fright
We belong in each other
In each others hearts
That’s how I know these blessings are my sisters
Family never parts, and you guys will never part from my heart
It’s that simple
My best friends
My sisters❤

Nala

I had her since I was 6 years old. I just turned 21 in May and she passed in March. She was months away from her 15th birthday. I’ve had her for 15 years of my life. That’s about 72% of my life. But really, I can’t even remember my life as a baby. So really, I’ve had her for as long as I can remember. 100% of the time she was and will always remain a part of my family. She was my sister. From the time we picked her up from Miami to the day she left us in my sisters’ arms, she loved us, over loved us, unconditionally. It’s indescribable the amount of love she showed me because I can’t even understand it. No matter how many times I might have been mad or sad and she instantly forgave my feelings and replaced it with love, trust, and loyalty. That no matter what, I would love her through and through and I was her protector against anything that could harm her. I was her voice. Her eyes only spoke to me that she loved me and trusted her life in my hands. To feed her, hold her, hug her and coddle her as my response. To show her, I accept your trust and I will honor to love you back because there is nothing more precious than unconditional love with loyalty and total trust in something. It’s the most innocent and pure thing to have. To know that this being instantly believes in you so much that you must own up to this responsibility. You cannot let it down. And although we as humans always make mistakes, they forgive us without any doubts. Its amazing to think about because we could never be that naive. We hold grudges and stay bitter. Thats why we love them so much. This bond is so pure and unlike any other bond we can have with a human. A love like no other. I’m realizing now why it hurts so much. Dogs only spend about 15% of years in their owners life. You would think that with there innocent and never evil minded hearts, they should live well past humans, who lose their innocence very fast and knowingly throughout their life. It’s not fair. My Nala deserved a healthy long life. Her love span should have made her live for decades. But life isn’t like that. The greatest things and joys brought to us humans must always come to an end. We do not deserve that love for an eternity. But the fact that they must suffer for our sins is so cruel to me. I’m so sorry Nala. You deserved better. I cannot wait to meet you on the other end. I love you so much, please know you are missed dearly, I know you are waiting for us up there baby.

I’ve been waiting for you.. I want you.. I love you.

I can feel your breathe on my neck
Lingering up to my lips
your not even here and I feel you next to me on my bed
Eyes are closed, I can feel your finger tips
Running up my chest,
I inhale your scent and I feel like I’m inside you
And your inside me
Connected impossibly
with a love so impossible
and we’re possibly insane
To feel this close in a time so constrained
Meanwhile your presence has felt like an Eternity..

I’ve been waiting for you.

The time I spend with you feels endless
the world around me isn’t clear
It’s fuzzy and unknown
All I know is your eyes in front of me
The picture of you is fully blown
Clear but uncomprehendable
starring at something I want so much
even if I may fall in an unclear abyss
I want this risk..

I want you.

You can only imagine how much I crave your touch
When I’m with you
I can’t hold your hand enough
Our bodies need to touch
In the same room and I can’t lose sight of your eyes
My eyes look up to you and I can’t help but sigh..
I’m grasping your beauty at every angle
And as my words get tangled
I finally blurt out everything I feel
And it’s like a song coming out of me
Flowing so effortlessly
So naturally
And this is how I know
I owe you
An “I love you”
Because sincerely,

I love you.

You

Sometimes I slip & fall,
I stutter suddenly.
Flaws & all
But that’s the best part of me.
One day I’ll find you,
My deepest company.
& we can share hands
& smile clumsily.
All because we found
Our life’s missing puzzle piece.

Already Paid

I just want someone so bad
Someone I’ll want to talk to every second of the day
When I can’t feel their presence emotionally
I’ll get weary
I’ll feel the empty
space
When their at unreachable distances
Someone who’ll make me do anything for them
buy them whatever, do whatever
Dedicate the perfect love song
And reiterate our love in my own song

my heart is aching
There’s no one there
No one I can call my own
No one that really needs me
Like damn
But I’m too picky myself
Maybe searching in the wrong places
To fill these spaces
In my deep heart
Cuz superficial crushes
mend the surface
But nothing really comes within
Rides my veins
Pumps within
Makes sane me
Turn to insanity
And make my heart skip a beat
just cuz their too sweet
And no one needs to be the beast
Cuz our loves just beauty
It’s that ill, not even at its peak
But where to go
Where to find this person I seek
and how long will it take,
cuz the single life really needs a break
And I keep thinkin like
I just need a new strategy
But meeting all these people giving false hopes make me say
Is anyone real alive? Or are they all fake?
Cuz I’d really like to meet true love
I’d even settle for true lust
but don’t judge me cuz that’s just how society was
I mean is* and I still stand corrected cuz
The life I’m living is “unrealistic” since love didn’t come in high school like everyone else’s
and now people thinkin she lyin when she say she never lost it
but now I’m thinking honest
I pride myself for never doing it
Temptations always there but trust its hard to stop and ruin it
So when I say I’ll settle it’s just lust talking and I might just do it
But I won’t look down upon myself
Cuz Jesus already paid for the sins I haven’t even planned yet
But until then
I’ll stay patient
cuz I still have a conscience
and I don’t wanna blow it
I wanna live in it
And he died for my sinless life
So I’ll live it up and pray to him as best I can
Pray that love will find me first, I need that helping hand
But what’s done is done,
If I don’t have them clean hands
Remember, I am only human.

God didn’t make labels. Man did. God didn’t make boundaries. Man did.

I think people in general are just beautiful.
No matter what sex, race, shape or form.
If I’m attracted to you, I am.
Why put a label on attraction.
The way love happens, just happens. It’s a force between two souls, two persons.
An imaginary tug between two beings that simply cannot be cut, hidden, or destroyed.
Not by a fraction
Why ruin such a thing?
Why label it as anything and everything when it is just love.
And if it is love, then is shall be.
Right?
.. No.

Love is defined as a shared attraction between man and woman.
Not literally in those words
but in the unwritten rule’s,
the ‘in between the lines’,
the normality of society…
But man made this standard of society, not God…
And although I don’t know much of the man,
God gave us the power to love;
Hand in hand,
Something so sacred, so beautiful, so endless.

& Love knows no boundaries,
but man still makes them,
I just wish there was no standard to live up to.
No fear of rejection.
So it could have been easy to say,
I love her
just as it’s easy to say
I love him.
Wishful thinking I guessin’.

But seriously?
Can’t everyone just accept we were made from and by love
and will keep being made…
Made from love, not hate or fear.
Love never fails
It is proven everyday
And it must be accepted
In any form
Because God made man to love one another
And race or sex cant stand as a boundary any longer.

Live

Sometimes you want something so badly, you’ll do anything; be anything to make it happen. But that’s wrong. You just have to sit back and follow the path God is making for you, right at this moment, because being anything but you and forcing 2 things to co-exist won’t get you want you want especially in peace… And sooner or later you will realize that. Let life happen to you, don’t pause it, rearrange it and let it pass by, live it!

Saved

Sometimes you run into someone in life who comes out of no where.
When your at your last thought, last feeling, last anything.
When nothing seems worth living for.
It could be family, a lover, or a friend. All 3 are just a blessing.
But to have a friend there as your second family, and to comfort you when no one else can understand is amazing.
Especially when you know their presence in your life changed you dramatically and altered your future forever.
They came at the right place and time.
They gained your trust as you did theirs.
Little by little memories are made.
And somehow you can’t see yourself having the time of your life without them.
They give you courage to be you.
They accept you as you are.
Little by little a friendship grew as did a blessing.
Because anyone who loves you for you is a blessing right?
Actually the fact that they give you one more reason to even be.
To even live.
To save your life.
That’s a blessing right there.
My best friend is a blessing.