Tug & Pull

A heart can only handle so much tug and pull,
But we all love to have that attention from whoever comes through to you,
So We look for it,
We feen for it,
We search from person to person,
To find that connection,
We want that attention,
That specific affection,
No matter what situations we put ourselves in,
Go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen,
But you should know,
At the end of the day,
Your left with yourself,
This fact is always left a secret,
A secret from ourselves,
Or better yet,
A denial to ourselves,
so all we hear is,
“Yeah girl i’ll be with you forever”
or
“Yeah boy i’ll be with you forever”
And you cherish this promise they hold over you,
Like there is no end to it,
A promise is solid & definite.
Right?
But what if all that trust you put in with them just changes,
And they drop you like not a fuck was lost,
What if the love of your life doesn’t see you as the love of THEIR life,
What happens then?
Yeah you can talk to as many people as you want,
Trying to fill the void,
But speak truthfully,
It only takes a moment for it to empty again,
And your hopelessly,
Hopelessly in love with the idea that THIS person might be it
Even with your logic screaming don’t do it.
And it’s you controlling the reins to your heart
Tugging left
Pulling right
But who are you to let everyone beat it up like its in a fight
A fight to find Mister or Misses right
Just stop going for whatever is there
Don’t settle for another tug
Don’t break for another pull
Because a heart can only handle so much tug and pull
And you know the only one who suffer’s is you and only you.

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Aside

Just to clarify something.

I do NOT need to be made or defined into one of your labels.

Made or defined into what you think I should be, am scared to be or what I’m pretending to be.

Frankly, you don’t have any idea how I see a PERSON in my eyes

How I view

How I feel

When I see something or anything.

So no.

You can’t LABEL me as a fake or as needing me to BE something just because of your insecurities.

From the beginning i never really wanted to label myself, but family and friends we’re confused so I had to give them the best answer I could at the time.

“Family and friends, I am bisexual”

But see, because so many people (mostly girls) have turned “bisexuality” into a one night thing or several drunken nights kissing random girls or your best friend or maybe even farther than that, no one really takes being bisexual seriously anymore. They say it’s just a phase or your just experimenting or you just looking for attention.

Judgements.

That’s all the world knows what to do when they see something different and it’s actually pretty sad. But i cannot hate everyone for doing it because it was how we were taught to think as children. What a surprise, society in America isn’t such a great place to grow up after all even if it’s “getting better”. Sure. We’re still born into such small-minded creatures, so ignorant of “the big picture” There’s more worries in the world about people wanting same-sex marriage and inter-racial couples (yes this is still a big problem) than actual problems, like say world hunger or how about something that hits more to home like children in our country, yes America, they are homeless and hungry.

But sadly, the biggest news since this new year has been this:

How ignorant can people be. #ignorant this just got me so πŸ˜ πŸ˜’ #stupid just because he supports gay marriage he’s gay now? #gay  (Taken with instagram)

No Barack Obama isn’t gay. Unfortunately, him supporting gay marriage (which is amazing in my opinion) was the biggest talk of every news station, news paper, and comedy gag since the new year has started. Some say he “came out” until now on his stand in same-sex marriage to get more votes from the youth (I mean why not, it’s a great strategy). But think about it, even if it was for the votes, there is so much that comes with this responsibility to be the first president to support it.

I once saw this magazine cover as foul, ignorant and such a shot at the president, calling him gay just because he supports it. But as a human, I too made a mistake and made judgements. The article pertaining to the cover actually praised the president for finally making a stand and becoming one of the few powerful voices that the LBGT community actually have. The rainbow halo representing an angel to this community. Poetic.

But anyways,

Back to my rant,

The reason why i bring this up is because my mind has not been able to fathom why people think like this. I’m going to focus more on this labeling issue, because in my previous relationship, I felt like the core issue led to this in every single argument. Basically she hated men to the core, and me having previous relationships with men, she was so set on me leaving her for a man and that it was the worst thing I could ever do to her. Turn off and a half. I did not lie about my attraction to guys and I never really did lie to be honest. It was how I felt in the moment and in the moment I always said

“I’ve always been attracted to girls since i was little, I was just to scared to act on it. I’ve tried with guys and I can never get that emotional attachment to them, so don’t be intimidated when I say I’m attracted to men.”

All of this was true. I did try dating many times with guys and even relationships, either the guy was totally wrong or perfect but I wasn’t ready.The only thing that has changed since then is this feeling of restriction. Why is it one or the other? Why does it always have to be heterosexual or homosexual. The one thing i praise about myself is to have grown to have such an open mind. I have learned to use my observational personality to always observe and analyze people and situations. Always a listener. Upon this, I try to learn about a person through and through, and only until then I can set my opinion about them in my head. If I don’t have the time to fully meet them, then I have nothing to say about them. Simple as that, I despise gossip.

So her judgements on me even after our relationship ended, really did tick me off. Not because I still want her or anything of the sort, but because SO many people have this ideology.

Labels. Labels keep our world in order. Labels of sexuality, brand, race, nationality; Just to keep the world going round in an organized fashion. But just like in fashion, there are the Gucci, Louis and Prada’s and the Payless, Tello’s and Walmart’s. Just like in race, in America, the whites are the “majority” and what are the rest called? oh yeah “the minority”. So I know where I stand in the pedestal of sexuality.

I’m not gay

I’m not lesbian

I’m not straight

I’m not bisexual

I’m not transsexual

Just let your small minds think past all of that and just accept the reality. You don’t need to label me. So simple. But I know this is asking too much and people of this generation always want answers and quick! I am one of those people. When I can’t think of an answer or reason I “Google it”. We’re all guilty of doing it but in this little aspect, I hope people slightly open their eyes that it is not needed. So like I said, I hate labels, but I know I can’t avoid them. So as I went though this relationship, I really wanted to find a better answer for her other than bisexual because it is such an over used label and has a bad reputation for just being into girls for a night.

So I “Google’d it” lol and I found something pretty promising:

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Thus, pansexuality includes potential attraction to people who do not fit into the gender binary of male/female. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[2]

The word pansexual is derived from the Greek prefix pan-, meaning “all”. In its simplest form, pansexuality denotes the potential of sexual attraction to all genders. It is intended to negate the idea of two genders (as expressed by bi-).

What I love about this ‘label” is that it doesn’t restrict my attraction to one or the other or has a bad rep. It’s real and is exactly how I feel. I am gender-blind. The way I am is I fall in love or lust with their personality.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

and in my eye,

I don’t see any boundaries.

So I guess if I have to live in this world of labels, this is the only one I can withstand.

Labels

Nala

I had her since I was 6 years old. I just turned 21 in May and she passed in March. She was months away from her 15th birthday. I’ve had her for 15 years of my life. That’s about 72% of my life. But really, I can’t even remember my life as a baby. So really, I’ve had her for as long as I can remember. 100% of the time she was and will always remain a part of my family. She was my sister. From the time we picked her up from Miami to the day she left us in my sisters’ arms, she loved us, over loved us, unconditionally. It’s indescribable the amount of love she showed me because I can’t even understand it. No matter how many times I might have been mad or sad and she instantly forgave my feelings and replaced it with love, trust, and loyalty. That no matter what, I would love her through and through and I was her protector against anything that could harm her. I was her voice. Her eyes only spoke to me that she loved me and trusted her life in my hands. To feed her, hold her, hug her and coddle her as my response. To show her, I accept your trust and I will honor to love you back because there is nothing more precious than unconditional love with loyalty and total trust in something. It’s the most innocent and pure thing to have. To know that this being instantly believes in you so much that you must own up to this responsibility. You cannot let it down. And although we as humans always make mistakes, they forgive us without any doubts. Its amazing to think about because we could never be that naive. We hold grudges and stay bitter. Thats why we love them so much. This bond is so pure and unlike any other bond we can have with a human. A love like no other. I’m realizing now why it hurts so much. Dogs only spend about 15% of years in their owners life. You would think that with there innocent and never evil minded hearts, they should live well past humans, who lose their innocence very fast and knowingly throughout their life. It’s not fair. My Nala deserved a healthy long life. Her love span should have made her live for decades. But life isn’t like that. The greatest things and joys brought to us humans must always come to an end. We do not deserve that love for an eternity. But the fact that they must suffer for our sins is so cruel to me. I’m so sorry Nala. You deserved better. I cannot wait to meet you on the other end. I love you so much, please know you are missed dearly, I know you are waiting for us up there baby.

Your Present

Even though your miles away,
That can’t take away the feelings I have for you bae,
My stomach doing cartwheels, butterflies coming my way,
Gravity can’t pull me down today,
It’s only been a month but damn you got a hold on me,
Morning till night, talking non-stop, can’t let my iPhone free,
Got a happy face on, full of glee,
Still got a thing for me, even if I’m a gleek 8)

So I just wanna know what makes you so addicting,
You’re all I have in my head, it’s so amazing,
I can’t think of no one else, you made my eyes see only you, and I swear it’s like I’m dreaming

Your all I see in front of me, even if you ain’t there,
It’s just a deep connection inside of me, I know I gutta share,
And I don’t really second guess the sanity of this affair,
Cuz seeing us together in dreams, I know this gutta be real. All is fair
And all I have for you is me.. Bare.
Starting over but I’m willing to take the steps if we go slow.. Layer by layer.

I just wanna know what makes you so addicting,
You’re all I have in my head, it’s so amazing,
I can’t think of no one else, you made my eyes see only you, and I swear it’s like I’m dreaming

And when we haven’t talked
I kinda feel lost
Like I’ve always needed you there,
At any cost,
So I’m tryna give you a gift,
I got the paper, tape and bow,
I got cuts and bruises but you should know,
If you unwrap me with trust,
I can handle all you got.

The New

I loved so fast
So much I thought it couldn’t last
Even with the pain, he slipped right past
Came out of no where
Gave me presents, no Teddy bears
Nothing you could buy, just emotions, it’s so wierd
Make my hairs stand up,
He had no plans, just his trust
No lines at his punch
Kept me high, while my past was cut
In the air,
we both stared
To Each-other, it was bare
Naked, no lies, all is fair
Showing each layer
Our cuts and tears
Showing off our physicality’s
Better yet, our personalities
Straight forward, no conformities
Really it’s the best I’ve ever seen me
No more weeping, I’m past glee
Your smiles are stuck on my teeth
Don’t stop, Cuz I’m on the pursuit
My happiness is you
I’m only speaking truth
My foots lifted, get the glass shoe
Cus it’s only me and you,
You know what to do
This is just a relief,
knowing you were made for me
No second thoughts, no dealing with the creeps
Cuz we were meant to be.